Caleb,
I want to tell you my story. Parts of this I never planned on telling anyone, let alone you. But I am convicted that it is not my story to keep but rather my story to tell. As I write this, it pains me to go back and relive some of my most shameful days. However, I am overjoyed to tell you how my shame was replaced with hope and promise.
I was out of control doing whatever I wanted in high school. I lied, I stole, I cheated, I smoked, I drank, I tried drugs. My entire life I went to church and didn't even feel that guilty about the things I was doing. I wasn't convinced of a god. When I met your dad, I continued to do all those things. I got pregnant with you only 10 months after I met your dad. I was 18. He was 15. I was at my lowest point in my life. I kept my secret to myself for awhile before coming clean. During those lonely days, I was depressed and scared. At one point, I pulled out the phone book and looked up abortion clinics. As I was scanning the pages, I felt deep within me an unknown stirring. Something inside said "No, stop, close it, close the book, close it now. This isn't the way." For the first time in my life, I felt the gentle spirit of God. I know without a doubt it was God because my conscience, at that time, wouldn't have cared about the drastic, selfish actions I would have taken. I knew at that moment, I had a greater purpose in life. Even though God maybe had been calling me for 18 years, He knew that the only way I was going to hear him was with an extreme wake up call. I believe with everything in my heart, He gave you to me to save me from a very dangerous, destructive path.
After my first God encounter, I still wasn't perfect. Life wasn't instantly easy. I still didn't bear the makings of a Christian but I certainly did bear the life of shame and guilt. But as these months went on, I knew He was there, whereas before, I wasn't even certain of that much. Around this time, I had another encounter with God. I felt him pick me up from a seat in church and carry me to the altar. I confessed my behaviors and thoughts to Him alone. I didn't decide to go to the altar. He pulled me there. I took my guilt and shame and laid it at the altar. I felt new. I felt new because I was. I can't explain this feeling but I felt free from those chains that were enslaving me to a life of self loathing and destruction. I felt lighter because I didn't have to carry those burdens anymore. In the summer after you were born, I once again felt God prodding me in a church service where they were doing baptisms. I got up without thought and just went to be baptized. I am not a person who wants to be seen. I try to stay away from any kind of attention getting behaviors. Had I listened to my simple mind, I would have never gotten up from my seat that day. I would have reasoned myself right out of what I felt in my heart. It was God's spirit moving me that day. I felt awesome after that moment. In fact, after that I just wanted nothing more than to have that feeling of complete love and acceptance every single day. I never liked church but suddenly that's where I wanted to be. I carried a small Bible in my bag to college just to feel the secure sense of knowing Jesus was always with me. It helped me feel a little less alone in a very secular world, especially when I was entrenched in class after class of scientific thought. I struggle with telling you this because I don't want you to think that I never wanted you. Actually until today, I never thought I would tell you of that moment. In fact, I told your dad of my thoughts only a few years ago. I was in a dark place that day and my only answer is that Satan was trying to keep me on his path of evil. I feel he had his grip so firmly on me that I wasn't myself. My thoughts weren't my own but his. Only God could have pulled me out of that wicked place. It is through God's grace that I can tell you my story (really our story) without feeling shame.
My human nature is to feel embarrassed of the things I've done. I'm only human so I can't understand how our God can forgive me of my past decisions. The beauty is I don't have to understand it. I just know it to be true. I feel it everyday. I still make mistakes and I am far from perfect. There are a multitude of things I do that I know are sinful. I am often quick to speak unkind, mean thoughts. I am a poor example of a Christian when I do that. I don't pray enough (sometimes not at all). I'm not doing enough to teach my children about Jesus Christ. And this is what I am called to do as a mother. I feel like I cheat and lie to my boss when I go to work and am getting paid to work but I check Facebook instead. I worry when I know I'm supposed to just have faith. You see, I'm not perfect. When I do these things, I ask for forgiveness and I try and not do them anymore. But sometimes I slip up and do them again. Satan tries to lure us everyday to do what feels good in the moment. I've come to recognize when he creeps in. Those Sundays when I feel like sleeping in and I almost talk myself out of church always seem to be the Sundays with the sermons that I believe were written just for me. Satan tries to distract us and separate us from good. Satan tries to push us farther and farther from our Father. The devil is constantly interjecting his evil will on us. We have to guard our hearts from those things. As a mother, I am called to guard you and teach you. This is why I care what you watch, what you say, and what you hear. Satan has clever tactics to draw you in and I have experienced it and you will too. I want you to know what is right and want you to be strong enough to recognize that you need to pull yourself away from the sin the world has to offer. The way I teach you that is by showing you that the power of God is the only thing that is strong enough to see you through. It is easier to stay on track by not letting ourselves get too close to ungodly things. We are weak, sinful people but Jesus provides a power so great that we can stand firm knowing nothing can ever break us from Him. The life of a Christian isn't easy. There are days when I feel persecuted, ridiculed, mocked, and judged. This is when my sinful nature gets the best of me and I think and do things that I shouldn't. I have to realign myself in these times by reading the Bible and praying. I'm not capable of forgiving those who hurt me on my own but Jesus Christ gives me strength to forgive. In the same breath, He forgives me of the thoughts I have when I'm hurt. I know God is real. It took a drastic life changing moment for me to hear Him calling but it doesn't have to always be that way. He is an all knowing, omniscient God. We are not designed to understand His ways. We are designed with a need to love and be unconditionally loved. And He provides this to us. Believers have faith that He holds us in His hand not because we see a physical hand but because we feel His hand wrapped around us. He knows we question Him. He understands us and loves anyway. He knows the darkest recesses of our souls and loves us anyway. Before we decide to walk with Him, I don't think we should feel ashamed of questioning His very existence. He designed us to be inquisitive. He gave us the free will to believe in Him or not. But I think He is always there to believers and non, calling out and making himself known in even the most subtle ways. It is our choice whether or not to faithfully follow.
When I stop and think about it, I feel Him and hear Him all throughout the day. I feel His spirit in songs. I hear Him in the quietness of a room. I feel Him when my heart stings from missing my earthly father. I feel Him when I wander the outdoors. I feel Him in the warmth of the sun. I hear Him when I feel alone and outnumbered. I see His amazing handiwork in my children. Ask Him sometime, you will feel Him too. He will reveal Himself to you in the most unique ways that might make sense only to you. That's how well he knows us. He loves us regardless of our flaws and He will forever try to capture your heart. He knows that once He does, you will feel peace and love and grace like you never have before. I love you so much it makes my heart hurt. And He loves us even more than that. I can't even fathom it. But I can feel it and I hope and pray that someday you will feel it too.
Love,
Mom
